In spite of my writer’s block I have come up with some new story ideas. This one will be a journal kept by a leader of a rebellion named Phoenix up against an evil queen.This is only a brief snippet of what that might be like.
Phoenix has suffered much in the past and struggles with a young man in her troop who tries to get past her defenses by finding out the truth about her. But she is unwilling to back down, hiding fear and hurt behind harshness and anger. Below is her reflection on what she’s doing to protect herself. Enjoy.
I’ve been hurt so many times that I have an impossible time trusting anyone. As a child my mother abandoned me. She told me she was just going out for the day. And she never came back. That was the first day I learned that I couldn’t fully give my heart without consequence. Ever since I’ve been guarding it. And each time I get hurt I push it a little further back into my defenses.
After the many other betrayals I’ve suffered I’ve pretty much buried my soul, pushed it behind wall after wall, hidden it so well I can hardly find it again myself.
And every time I meet someone new like that boy who dared demand why I’m not open, I have to put up another defense. So many ask why I cannot just share freely. They don’t understand the pain I’ve been through.
You want honesty? Well here’s honesty. I’d rather die a thousand deaths than expose myself to those kinds of hurt again. I’ve suffered broken bones, infected wounds, and dreadful disease. But I would face all combined rather than the pain of a betrayal.
I once had a close friend. Someone I grew up with who I foolishly came to eventually love. She used to claim she cared about me. That was a long time ago. I used to be her dog, waiting patiently for my treat. And of course she’d dangle her attention before me, watch me plead and whine, before withdrawing it and laughing at my obvious disappointment. Time and time again I’d subject myself to that. I’m not quite sure why, but I was young and foolish…willing to do whatever it took to win people’s approval and love.
Other friends told me I was a doormat…that she was using me…that I should stand up for myself. I never listened. I justified, claimed it was alright. Every time she’d come back to her senses and start paying attention to me again I’d go into a kind of bliss at having her friendship once more…and I’d forget all about the abuse. Years later I looked back over the accounts I kept of those days…and I saw each and every part of the pattern. I’d be elated to have her there, then sad and angry at her ignoring me, I’d claim I’d never see her again, then of course find joy in her attentions again and willingly subject myself to her abuse.
But no longer. My heart is in an impenetrable fortress, locked away from all the world. I shall no longer tolerate any start of an intrusion. I have placed guards all around. The slightest sign of an invasion shall be terminated immediately. No one can breach these towers, these walls. I shall pour hot oil on invaders. I shall destroy all who seek to enter.
And yet…a world without love and friendship is an awful and lonely one.
And so I am forced to compromise on some issues. I shall seek to try to maintain some sense of openness, but my friends must understand that not all will be up for their consideration. I will not be some lab specimen for them to poke and prod at. I am still in control. And if need be I can still lower iron gates to keep them from what I know may harm me.
Tread with caution. My emotions are no longer something others can toy with. I am a new woman. I am unbeatable. And nothing will stand in my way.