Back in Circulation

Long time no see blogging world. I feel like at this point I’m like that library book that’s been lost for months and you’ve given up searching for. Hence my title.

I could try all I want to offer all the excuses I want about why I’ve been away so long. I could write on and on about how busy I was at the end of my school year, or how I was swamped trying to finish part of a novel for my senior capstone, or how I’ve been avidly searching for jobs or anything like that. But I don’t think those would be the truth, and I’m a person who does in many ways value honesty.

The truth is I’ve been depressed.

I have suffered from depression for a long time. The first I truly remember dealing with this problem was when I was fifteen years old, but it’s possible I’ve dealt with it even longer than that. I’ve never been a truly smiley cheerful person, as much as I want to be one, but I guess it’s always been a bit more than lacking that optimistic touch. It’s been something deeper and harder to change. And no, I’m not talking just general sadness. I’m talking can’t sleep or will sleep the whole day, always feel tired, can’t get through a week without breaking down, having no appetite or wanting to eat everything, dealing with negative thoughts etc. type depression (got to love the English language that makes the word depression have different connotations).

Of course, I go through ups and downs. Sometimes life feels bearable, and other days it’s hard. But this last semester has been particularly rough. Trying to deal with the world rapidly shifting beneath my feet while wondering what is possibly going to come next. Feeling discouraged in hopeless job searches, and dealing with having to move away from my friends to a different state. My whole life I’ve put a lot of my identity in being a good student. And now that’s gone. And sometimes I wonder what’s left if I don’t have that anymore.

Sometimes when I’m depressed my writing comes more easily than ever. I can feel utterly inspired to put my feelings and experiences down on the page, or escape into a little fantasy world for a bit. But at others, it becomes incredibly hard, especially in trying to write something like a blog. I want to maintain some level of positivity on here. And that can be hard when I’m not feeling all too happy about life.

I don’t expect other people to understand, but I thought my readers deserved a truthful explanation. I know I’ve had Twitter followers who have been asking after me, so hopefully this answers some of those questions. Too often I’ve felt like I have to hide what I’m dealing with, and I’m kind of sick of it. I think people deserve to know. So I’m back for a bit, but if I leave again you’ll probably know why. I have some good motivation this month since I’m doing July Writing Challenge. I’m hoping to really be active in continuing to write, both in fiction and on this blog to meet my daily word count goals.

I might be a graduated English major, but I still have valuable things I want to say about reading and writing and the English language. So, though I hate to make any promises, I hope to use this post as encouragement to keep checking on my postings. Because hopefully I’ll have some more up in the next few weeks.


Filed under Writing

6 responses to “Back in Circulation

  1. asotherswere

    I understand your struggle, Emily. It’s something I have to deal with as well. You’re not alone here. Writers are classicly a bunch of depressives who self-medicate through their art.

    But have hope. I can say from experience that there are times when it gets better. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

  2. Hey, if you want to talk privately, just send me an email. I’ve gone through some similar stuff. :-/ And it sucks. But it also gets better. I know that sounds cliched and unhelpful, but it really is true.

  3. Emily, you’d be shocked, amazed, then probably comforted if you knew how many of us actually know exactly what you’re talking about. We may not have been in your particular shoes, but if depression was likened to a pair of tennies, I’d guess pert near all of us have several pairs in different colors — some worn through the toes at the end (from lack of having the energy to cut our toenails), and some brand-spankin’ new!

    So take off the pair you’re currently slogging around in, tie the laces together, and throw them suckers up over the nearest electrical or telephone wire. Then go barefoot for awhile and let it all hang out. You’ll probably have to find a comfy old pair to put back on sooner or later, but you might notice that you kick them off every now and then and walk through the grass barefoot ’cause you like the way it feels — especially if they’ve just turned off the sprinklers. 😀 {{{Emily}}}

    • Haha nice metaphor. I think I’d read somewhere that 80% of people experience some form of depression at one point or another during their lifetime. So yep, I would imagine it’s quite a well worn pair of shoes. Thanks so much for your support and encouragement.

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